Scandale! Furore!
The Toronto Maple Leaf Baseball Club's fifty-two-year streak as the most likeable team in baseball was thrown into jeopardy last week.
On Friday, word came down from the IBL's head office that one of the Leafs' most likeable players had been barred from the league.
Garrett Takamatsu, reigning IBL MVP, may not play any more games this season.
An absolute scandale, worthy of a furore.
The League's Most Coveted Prize
For the uninitiated: the IBL Likeability Trophy (sponsored by Beaver Lumber) holds a long-cherished place in the history of the Intercounty Baseball League and in the hearts of its fans and players.
The origins of the prize are traced to the earliest years of the IBL.
The IBL of the 1920's was very different from the IBL of today.
Back then, it was made up of clubs from crossroad villages like Listowel and Strathroy. The league's founding fathers became concerned by the then-annual spectacle of the Listowels and Strathroys being battered on the diamond and humiliated in front of their fans by giants from big cities like Galt, St. Thomas and Stratford. It was an offense to their Presbyterian sensibilities, and downright impolite.
The league decided that each year it would throw a bone to one of the tiny clubs to acknowledge their pluck and nobility in defeat. And so the IBL Likeability Trophy (sponsored by Beaver Lumber) was born.
Owners dispatched scouts to comb the province for its most likeable ballplayers, from rugged lumberjack types to dreamy matinee idols to humble boys next door.
Unlike the previous century, when value was assigned to human qualities like intelligence and athletic skill, our contemporary society exists on likes. Players aspire to become liked, teams thrive when they are liked.
To be liked is the be all and end all of the 2020s.
And so the IBL Likeability Trophy (sponsored by Beaver Lumber) is sought after more now than ever.
The Maple Leafs Forever
The Toronto Maple Leafs joined the IBL in 1969 and have won that trophy every year since, even as they battered and humiliated other clubs en route to eight league championships.
No other club has been able to match the Leafs' success in maintaining an ever-replenished squad of likeable lads, those same muscle-popping studs and dimpled cuties that make other clubs burn with envy.
Team-building is no small task. It occupies most of the hours of the day for Leafs' front office man Damon Topolie.
As 2022 rolled along, Topolie crafted a sure-fire winner. He started with a returning core of Italian son-in-law types, some very polite outfielders and a shot of urban street cred. To this he added a crew of energetic rookies. This squad captured hearts in every ballpark, most of all at Mr. Christie's Pits, their home diamond.
Fans turned out in droves to appreciate Topolie's assemblage as he added a piece here and there over the summer. Some Dominican flair, some Japanese discipline. Marcus Freaking Knecht. All the pieces were there, except for one. Except for Topolie's secret weapon.
Garrett Takamatsu. IBL Rookie of the Year, IBL Most Valuable Player, an irresistible combination of lumberjack, idol and humble guy all in one. His presence on the roster would make the Leafs a lock for another IBL Likeability Trophy (sponsored by Beaver Lumber). Back in May, Takamatsu opened the season with the Torontonians.
But Topolie is a crafty one. He knows not to fire every cannon at once. Some charm must be kept in reserve. Thus, Takamatsu was dispatched to Québec for the summer, to refine his likeability until it became virtually lethal.
Ooh la la
Takamatsu took Québec by storm. Playing for the Frontier League's Capitales, Takamatsu wowed la belle province so much that by August he had been unanimously awarded the "Housewives' Favourite" Ribbon. That esteemed sash has been won in the past by the likes of Guy Lafleur, Gino Vannelli and the Vladimirs Guerrero père et fils.
Envy is a terrible thing. As word of Takamatsu's conquest made its way to southern Ontario, envy set to work in the minds of rival clubs. He's too damn likeable, they said. We pale in contrast, they said. He must not return.
In mid-August, as the IBL season wound down, the Leafs announced the glorious resumption of duty of the league's reigning MVP. And the gang-up was on.
Righteous indignation was spouted. Lawyerly subclauses were quoted. The ugly face of envy declared that Tak could not come back.
This, despite his having been on the team roster all season. This, despite the league looking the other way to occasionally save the hides of floundering clubs. This, in the face of sportsmanship.
Crisis Communications
At the Jack and Lynne Dominico Tower in Etobicoke, the Leafs' brain trust assembled to fret and strategize over catered sandwiches.
"This is ridiculous!"
"He's never not been a Leaf!"
"He's never not been awesome!"
"Jealousy!"
"We've been bamboozled!"
"Hornswoggled!"
"This is nefarious. The other clubs wouldn’t do something nefarious, would they?"
"Why do you think they’re so disliked?"
"If we can't lock down the likeability prize what's the point of anything?"
"Who took all the roast beefs?"
It was decided over the post-lunch coffee and pastries: the Leafs would argue Takamatsu's case before an assembly of league chieftains. The matter was discussed in all corners.
On the night of the assembly, the Leafs presented their argument, but the forces of envy held firm. Takamatsu's banishment was upheld. Sanity be damned. Sportsmanship be damned.
Having been done dirty, but wanting to remain involved, Takamatsu contemplated his options.
Perhaps, joining up with Al Ross to sell raffle tickets. Or joining the broadcast booth with West and Eakin. Or maybe just hanging on the hillsides to heckle with the Bushmen.
When you live likeably, doors will always open and never close.
Including doors one would not expect. Almost a week after being told he may not play again, Takamatsu's continuing involvement with the Maple Leafs was secured. Earlier today he was unveiled as the Maple Leafs' field manager for the remainder of the season.
For all the crazy nonsense your narrator has invented up to this point, this fact is absolutely true.
And out of the turmoil of the past week, a new theme has emerged as part of the Leafs' season of unfinished business:
Do it for Jack and Tak.
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